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Friday, September 15, 2006

Wei Ren speaking,


What a bumpy life i had for these past two weeks, ever since 1st of september...
And 14 days later, i still wish to dissolve this two weeks and go back to the past and alter it.
Within this 14 days, i was greatly tormented. These tortures don't come all at once, but is accumulated and left to strain.


First it was hurt from whom i love.Followed by myself. Then simultaneously, 2 of my dear schoolmates who helped me, and one of my classmate as well.


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I was hurt from whom i love, not by her reactions on that day. But rather, why must she react that way. I tried to seek out a reason in me. What had i done to scare her? All this while, did i pop out suddenly to confess my feelings for you? Did i even stalk her for that matter? The answer is NO.


All this while, i didn't make my feelings known to you openly. For i'm aware that i'll be scaring you. Yea, why weren't we friends in the first place? This question really drags me down. Because the answer to it is very unconvincing, even to me. I wonder what's wrong with me which leads to my failure to befriend her.


Until now i still couldn't find an answer which could satisfy my tormented heart. I wonder why she's scared and put off by me. What had i done that scared her? How did i scared her? How did she got such a bad impression of me? I once arrived to a conclusion - she judge a book by its cover. Immediately i cleared that thought off my mind, as i believe she's not that kind of girl and i know she really isn't. Later on, it only puzzles me more. If she doesn't want to befriend me not because of my looks, then could it be my personality that puts her off? Again, i refute myself. "How does she knows my character when we are not even friends?"


After think about it for so long, i came to realise that i'm just being too technical in my thinking. She doesn't have to dislike me for any particular reason. She doesn't need any reasons to not befriend me. She may dislike me for no particular reasons, or reasons that ain't logical at all! Just like how i fall for her which she finds irrational. Now this seems logical. As both our feelings for the other are indeed felt without reasons! Can you picture the irony?


This is what i'll do from now on. I'll respect whatever decision she makes. She doesn't want to talk to me, i'll respect that. She doesn't want to befriend me, i'll respect that. Saying these words are very hard for me. But this is what that needs to be done. For her sake, her happiness, i have to keep myself away from her. It breaks my heart just to imagine this- To be out of the sight of the loved one for her to be happy.


As i had mentioned, this love is irrational. Some said that it is her looks i'm after, not her. Utter Rubbish! I'm saying this at the very bottom of my heart, that is absolutely not true. Since it is irrational, everyone please stop questioning my love, since there isn't an answer i could provide you with. Sometimes, love is just blind.


I brood over that, maybe its my painting that scares her. Well, i feel hurt by it. Because it wasn't meant to scare her away from me. Why would i want to sabotage myself? Couldn't i even express my feelings for her on just an artpiece! It was just an alternative of expressing my love for her. And i thought even if it scares her, but by the fact that a portrait was done on her, she will appreciates it somehow. I had never regret painting the portrait. Sometimes i thought of destroying it when i'll feeling down, but after a while, i treasures it more than anything. Some thinks its foolish of me to do such things. Well, foolishness to me, does not include such things.


I may have respect her decision, which by doing so, will prevents me from getting close to her. But that doesn't mean i had lost all my love for her. That doesn't mean that i give up on her. What i'm doing is to respect her decision, because i love her, and not that i want to have her. But of course, i would love to have a relationship with her, even if its just friendship.


For whatever i do, you'll be affected by it in a negative manner and your impression of me will only worsen, hence, defeating its purpose. So there's really nothing i can do now to improve my relations with you, but to wait. I believe this doesn't end in the same year as our o levels ended in. In this matter, time does not induce oblivion, instead, is a medium.


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And for the other 2 dear schoolmates and a classmate of mine, this is my say about them.


I’ll begin with my dear classmate first. I’m not angry at her but I just want to clear things up. I wonder what makes her come to a conclusion that I’m a stalker. When she used that very word, my impression of her had changed. I used to think she’s a reasonable person, with a sense of justice and responsibility; knowing what’s right and wrong, and is very intelligent. I respected her for these qualities which make her outstanding from many of us.


But after she insulted me, I just felt that she had let herself down, for the sake of speaking up for her friend, against me.


For the sake of supporting her, and wanting to ease the hurt I caused her, she betrayed her good qualities and accuses me as a stalker. I wonder what to her does a stalker means. Did she ever catch me following her home? How she could when I did not do that before? So, she accuse without any grounds. By accusing me, she’s interfering into the matter, and worsening my image on others, especially the one whom I love. She knows that I’m her friend and classmate, who hasn’t trouble her at all. So why this accusation? Do I deserve it from her? I treated her like a friend and this is what I got in return.


If she or her friends read this, please know that I’m not taking any revenge. I had nothing against her. I still regard her as my friend. I just want to say my piece and we shall no longer pursue this matter alright. Because you’re really not involved in the situation. She may have told the one-sided story of the incident to many of our peers and classmates, its ok. I believe they can distinguish what’s true and what’s not. So please just stop these defamatory alright.


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As for the other 2 classmates of mine, I’ll speak about the one whom I feel is justifiable. In the past 2 weeks, it irks me to be unable to even say ‘hi’ to her. I really do not want to graduate and we ignored each other when we passed by in the streets next time. She helped me a lot during the incident and I trust her more than anyone else in the matter.


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The latter had impacted me the most. At the beginning, I thought I had let myself down by hurting her a lot. I apologized and explained immediately and SINCERELY. It was clearly unintentional. The apology is of no avail. She said she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, yet she hurt and insult me continuously.


Now I feels that it’s not that I let myself down because I unintentionally hurt her without my conscious knowing it, and also, I let myself down by being hurt by her.


I’m hurt that she don’t trust that my apology and explanation are sincere. I’m hurt by her insults and attitude towards me.


Here’s the thing, she intentionally hurts me for the hurt I caused her which was unintentional! Can you spot the irony!


So, to her, I’m the baddie and she’s the victim. To me, she’s the baddie and I’m the victim. Well since I couldn’t control her thinking, I can only change what’s on my side. Since it was unintentional, I don’t think I’m a baddie to her. As for her, she can continue to be my baddie but I’m not going to remain as her victim and be hurt by her.


Let’s look at it as another story. In a primary school class, a boy accidentally fell down onto his classmate after he was pushed very hard by a female classmate. The classmate was extremely hurt by the pain the boy caused as he was very heavy! The boy repeatedly apologized to her and explained that he did it unintentionally as he was too weak to resist the push from another female classmate and fall too easily. The classmate, who is not understanding and misunderstood that the boy was clearly out to take revenge on her for being hostile to him all this while. The classmate then disregarded him as friend and didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. But the classmate kicks him every time she saw him. The other classmates who saw the boy fell on her, too, had a wrong impression of him. Every time the boy was hurt when she kicks her, she felt relieved. She feels he deserve it and is actually taking revenge on him. So she’s taking revenge, while saying that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore? Isn’t it like a baddie who claims to stop his doings and yet continue his misconduct? Isn’t the classmate a bully and the boy, a victim of her? Can you spot the irony of the story? (This story is not one-sided and is really what’s happening.) And as everyone knows a bully is likely to be bullied before and that cause the bully to be a bully. I shall speak no further of it as it’s unfair to her and I don’t want to have another traumatic incident with her. Unless it means we become friends again.


She may think I’m selfish. Well, that’s true at that moment. Because at that time, it’s my feelings I’m most concerned of. Because these feelings are occupying and hurting me. That’s why I was blocked from feeling from others. And wasn’t intentional of hurting your feelings. I think selfish is not the right word. In this case, rash is. I was indeed behaving too rashly but not thinking carefully about my actions.


I’m saying this in the interest of fairness. She had posted about my unfortunate with the one whom I loved in one of her post too. She scolded me that I’m announcing to the whole word about her unfortunate with someone, yet before I did anything, she had already announced my unfortunate with the one whom I loved in her post, to the whole world. Isn’t this another irony? Fancy blaming someone his mistakes yet she committed the same mistakes before he did and yet doesn’t feel she’s in wrong. Isn’t it sheer hypocrisy? I did not scold her or tell her off when she posted my unfortunate, because I believe she had no intentions to go against me. I’m not saying this out to make you feel she’s the baddie and I’m the innocent one. I have my mistakes to learn, she had hers to learn.


She told me that she don’t want to be my friend anymore. Well, were we even friends? I don’t know. Maybe acquaintance, yes, but friends, not quite. No, its not that I don’t want to be friends with her, but we really aren’t. So if she felt that I’m hurting her as I treated her badly as her friend, why not she ask herself how she treated me and compare it with how I treated her. I won’t speak of how I was treated by her as it is pointless to. She knows it herself. So when she shouted to me that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, I was hurt not by the fact that she ‘unfriended’ me, but rather, that I made a new enemy. I’ll make it clear that she wants to be my enemy and not that I want to have her as an enemy. So, did she ever treat me as a friend? Only she knows the truth.


As for me, did I treat her as a friend? Well, we aren’t really close but I treated her to the best in the position that I’m in. Perhaps it’s because of the one whom I love that caused her to treat me that way yet calling herself as my friend. Well it’s ok. The only thing I know is that before the incident that happened 2 weeks ago, I had not let you down and hurt you before, and that I treated you far better than you treat me. Stating these matters out is not to provide me a reason to hurt you back. It’s just to let you know these facts before you give any attitude.


Throughout this week, with prelims at full force, you had affected my studies. Seriously I had let myself down for letting you affecting my studies. The one whom I love had always been my motivation to study, and you are hindering her motivation.


Now I’m all weak and stressed out. Every now and then thinking of how the one whom I love is going to feel about me and whether she had bad-mouthed me to her. As you know peer pressure is influential, if her friend hates me, she might probably end up hating me too. That is my worse nightmare!


I asked you once, ‘Why would I want to sabotage myself to have you as an enemy.’ As you were very angry at me, you denied the true answer which you know very well in yourself, and refuted me ‘You know it yourself!’ I thought you said that because you WANT to be angry at me and didn’t WANT to forgive me, as by believing that what I did to you was really unintentional, it means you are trusting me and forgiving me, which is what you don’t want to.


Seriously, the incident was actually just about me and the one whom I love. I really didn’t expect the incident to lead to another incident. Its like, from a situation that involved only me and the one whom I love, then you just pop up and make noise. I was like, earlier on I only had to worry about how to treat her and improving my relationship with the one whom I love. But after you scolded me, I had to worry about how to make her understand that I was unintentional as well.


Now let me ask you, you think I want to create more worries for myself? You think after my incident with the one whom I love, I still got the mood to be angry at her and want to provoke her? Moreover, she apologized to me and counseled me too. Would I be so cruel and evil to hurt you when you apologized and counseled me? I don’t see any logic in it. I was so grateful and appreciative when her apologized and counseled me. I don’t know just what makes you think that I’m all out to hurt her from then on. She provides me with a lot of stress and burden, while I’m facing my prelims. As I kept trying to think of a way to seek her forgiveness and understanding. This paragraph and the one before is meant to convince her why I was unintentional of hurting her. I hope that after she read this paragraph, she will come to a point of clarity and realize that this is just a misunderstanding.


Right now I’m just too tired. I’m too tired to think of a way to seek your forgiveness and understanding. I feel its no point trying any further because since what’s done was done, and that by regretting it, it won’t improve the situation. I feel its no point trying harder as after all, she don’t trust me, she don’t respect me, and she don’t understands at all. Hence whatever I say, which is true and sincere, she won’t believe it. Her mentality told her in her mind this, ‘He is an a**hole! Don’t believe whatever he says! He’s lying to you! He stinks!’ Well, maybe there’s more but I really don’t know as I couldn’t read her mind.


She doesn’t want to forgive me because she wants me to suffer. She treated me like shit because she wants me to suffer. She wants me to suffer like how she’s suffering right now from her mishap. I know many of you (her and lots of other 3rd parties) will be pissed off when you read this. But, whether it’s true or not, only she knows herself. She will know it when she stops denying and deceiving herself about it. I’m not trying to say she’s evil and wants to see me suffer, but the fact is, this is partly the reason for not forgiving me.


Another reason for not forgiving me is peer pressure. Well, quite a number of her peers especially her classmates and schoolmates know about this incident. Now pride is the culprit. Because since every one of them thinks I’m in the wrong and she’s the victim. And they are all behind her supporting that he ought to be punished and influence her to treat him badly. And that if she were to forgive me, she will lose her pride from her peers because they will then think that she’s forgiving someone who does not deserve to be forgiven and that she forgives easily. So she wants to be tough and be feared. By doing so, she can’t bring herself to forgive me, and continues to deny that I was really unintentional. In other words, if she forgives me, she’ll be letting herself down, as well as her peers too. So please, don’t worry about peers. They will understand and respect her decision. Anyway, this peer pressure you had was just an impression you gave me. Whether it’s true or not that it applies to her, only she knows the truth. No one or any 3rd parties know the truth.


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Why in the beginning, did I post the incident?

After the incident, I was very worn out. The bad memories of it kept occupying my mind. Those memories of the confrontation, when words said had hurt me a lot. The weight of these thoughts caused much friction in my mind and I can’t concentrate in other things. They might think that after they had talked to me I’ll feel better, but that’s not the case. Moreover, I didn’t have a chance to express my thoughts and views to them as I was too emotionally involved and my mind wasn’t responsive. Therefore, I post the incident so that I can leave all bad memories of it right there and provide a breathing space in my mind, and also for me to express my thoughts and views. Whatever you all saw about the incident is only less than 10%!!! What’s more, that particular part isn’t the most important. The most important part was the epilogue where I express my thoughts and views. The epilogue is the part I want to emphasis. Not the part where her mishap was mentioned! Since what you all had read is merely 10%, you all had only read partially about the incident, and not read the incident fully. I wrote the post half-way through as it was too long. Too much was spoken, too little time to type it out. Moreover, I’m going through the experience again, which takes up some time and emotion while typing. Whatever I post happened in reality. No truth was bent and no one-sided stuff.


Some said that I made it like a game when I formatted the situation into scenes. Pardon me in this case. As the incident was so traumatic and dramatic which I had never encountered before, too many emotions of mine had been put into the matter. Similarly, scenes are found in plays, which capture emotions of the performers and audiences throughout. Since the incident covered that aspect, shouldn’t it be alright to be made into scenes? In addition, the whole incident was so long. So having it broken down into scenes is just to make it easier to read and understand, and it’s like paragraphing it in a longer manner, instead of typing out one whole chunk of paragraphs which takes hours to read and understand. So I hope those who misunderstood that I treat the incident very lightly by making it into a ‘game’. I hope you’re clear about it and know that it’s more than a game to me.


Some said that it is wrong to post such a private conversation and even if I want to type out the incident, I should have done it privately. Regarding this, I really hope that you all understand that, the main objective of the post about the incident wasn’t about the conversation. Rather it is to say my piece, and to express my opinion, which, eventually I couldn’t post as I was forced to stop posting about the incident. I post the conversation was not to tell the whole world about what they had said. I changed their names, as I did concern about protecting their identities.


So it’s quite ironic, as I expected reactions to the post. As I expect positive reactions to my opinions and thoughts of the incident (which I ended up couldn’t post it at all), and not negative reaction about the conversation and what the other party said in that conversation. So everyone only thinks that I post the incident to hurt her. But the truth is, I post the incident so that I could express my views and relieve bad memories of it. So everyone really is giving their attention to the wrong part. And that cause everyone to misunderstand me that I want to hurt her, which leads to everyone having a wrong impression of me which leads to everyone being hostile to me. What a chain effect I had decoded. So right now I really hope you all could give your attention on the right part, and understand that I didn’t mean to hurt her and get the correct impression of me. Only then will there be peace.


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By the time you read this paragraph, I apologize for taking up so much of your time just to read it. I really hoped that those involved had read till this part and didn’t stop half-way. As for those ‘3rd parties’, if you really have to comment, please comment after you had read the whole of this post. And don’t just stop on the part which irritates you and start to comment without reading this post completely.


If you find my tone too harsh or angry at any part of this post, please pardon me. I’m not angry or having hard feelings. I’m just too tired and couldn’t compromise my feelings anymore. Seriously, this post is not meant to be offensive. It’s meant to clear the mess. So i hope that when they(the ones involved) will get more angry and be clear about it.


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I know a handful of you out there think that I’m stepping two boats. I admit that I have feelings for both simultaneously at a point of time. But I gave up on the second because I just couldn’t let go of the first. I couldn’t bear to go any further than treating the second as a sister, as I still couldn’t suppress my persistence for the first. Hope the ‘first’ won’t be scared away or pissed off when you saw this.


Because it wasn’t meant to. I couldn’t figure out why one will be scared when she was told that someone had feelings for her and she got scared by those feelings for her. It’s like, by loving someone, you are scaring her. So does that mean that, by scaring someone, you are loving her? How ironic! So if you want to scare someone, you can either love her or just scare her, and you’ll succeed. But to love someone, you can’t love her and all the more can’t scare her, as she’ll be scared and you’ll lose your purpose of loving her and only hurt yourself deeper. Some said I took the wrong approach on her. Frankly, did I take any approach on her directly? It’s those who started gossiping about my feelings for her and cause her to be scared of me. I had never walked up in front of her and say ‘I Love You’, or any mushy things. Rather, it’s others who tried to exaggerate it and hence, scaring her off from me. So who’s the culprit that made her to be scared of me? Only the culprits know it themselves.


I really hope she will be clear about this. Because of this I’m still not your friend! Argghh!!! It’s driving me nuts!!! Of the whole express classes I had no problem to at least talk to them, but why it must be her whom I had problems with? How ironic. Can’t it be someone else I had problems with? Why must it be her! I always thought that what if I were to be in her class instead of mine? What if I’m as rich as him? What if I’m as hot as him? What if I’m as whatever as him? Then things won’t end up this way. I don’t know, I really don’t know. So she goes for looks? She goes for money? I don’t know, I really don’t know. And I don’t wish to know. But I believe she’s not that kind. But still I’m trying my very best of cutting phase(slimming down) and get some muscles as I know that, which gal doesn’t appreciates a hot body? Just give me some time alright? Three months. I’ll promise her that after three months from now, my appearance will of her liking. As for $$$, it’s not really a problem. I had been working in a job since two years ago, and I have no problem slogging in a job to earn big bucks (although it’s not a lot). And isn’t it more meaningful to spend my own hard-earned money on her instead of spending on my pocket money provided by my parents on her?


Anyone can go ahead to comment that I’m just being naïve, that I believe things are so simple and that good things always happen. Well, things like these are never simple and good things do always happen. When good things doesn’t happen to you doesn’t mean good things doesn’t happen to others. Say someone is naïve if you really are one who is very experienced in life, if not; it’s really unfair to use that word.


I’m tired and exhausted. I’m as scared as she does. When they told me she had mixed feelings for me, I was overjoyed! As it means although she had bad feelings for me, she also has good feelings for me! But after the incident with the other person, I feel that her good feelings she had for me were short-lived and had died.


I'm drained out from these people, these events and nevertheless, the prelims... What more to come, the o levels and of course, my Zacharian Makeover. I just feel like taking a break before it. So wake me up when September ends.


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What will she reply to a prom date with me?
Ha-ha! Hopeless!
Look who I’m asking,
The prom-queen to be!
Look who she rejects,
Probably a fool he is!


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Hung Up @ 10:07 pm

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